Random Musings...
Thursday, April 28, 2005
·Buon Giorno·
I'm *mostly* packed. Still missing shoes, toiletries, jackets, etc. But all of my clothes, underwear, socks, pjs, etc. are in there. It's going to be in the 60's most of the time we'll be there. Sounds nice! We drive to Orlando tonight. My grandmother will be there by then, and we're all going out to dinner. Then tomorrow, we fly to New York to catch our plane to Rome. We'll arrive to Rome early on Saturday morning (their time). I'd post a general itinerary of our trip, but I actually am not sure. I know that we're staying in Rome until Monday morning when we drive all the way down to Sicily. From then on, I think we play it by ear, driving up along the coast, stopping at any little town that strikes our fancy. I can't wait!
In the meantime...SO MUCH WORK TO GET DONE!!!
Posted at 8:50 AM
Comments...
Permalink
......
Wednesday, April 27, 2005
·Ciao!·
Now that I know I don't have some fatal disease, I'm remembering that I have something to be super excited about...our trip to Italy!! I can't believe tomorrow is already my last day here at work before we leave. It's going to be a great trip. My parents, my brother, my grandmother, Andrew and I are going to be road tripping across southern Italy. I'm so excited!
In the meantime, I have a ton of work! I have to catch up from all of my sick days AND work ahead because of all the vacation days I'll be taking. Eek!
Posted at 9:48 AM
Comments...
Permalink
......
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
·Diagnosis: Bad Doctor·
Well, yesterday's appointment went very well. It just confirmed the fact that I NEED A NEW DOCTOR HERE. The specialist yesterday believes that all of this might have all stemmed from a virus. Kind of anti-climactic, right? So what was with all of the dramatics and weird, weird symptoms? Well, first of all, he said, the virus he suspects is no picnic. However, he believes it was all aggravated even more by the string of misdiagnoses I have had over the past several weeks. I was put on such strong antibiotics (which don't attack viruses) over and over that it actually supressed my body's own natural defenses against this virus, which allowed it to come on stronger than usual.
Last week, there was talk of me possibly having an auto-immune disorder, which was scary as hell (one of the top ten leading killers of young women). Thank God he doesn't think it's that. I'm not out of the woods yet. I still need to get the blood work back to confirm this theory, but he was pretty optimistic.
So I definitely need a new primary care doctor. The biggest problem is that my real doctor is fairly decent (not great, but fine), but I hardly ever see her. Since she is actually an Internal Medicine specialist, rather than a general practitioner, she has regular patients she sees, so when I call in to see her, her next appointments are two weeks out. Then, I get "You can see our P.A. today, though." So I usually end up with the P.A. He's a nice guy, but wow, he has completely screwed me over several times at this point. The worst part of it all, though, is that there needs to come a time when you admit that I need to be referred. In his defense, the virus I am suspected of having is not common. However...just this Friday he called in another round of penicilin when he heard I still had a fever. What the hell? I had to ask forcefully for my referral. This guy is still thinking that this FOURTH antibiotic is going to finally cure me. I've never taken one class in medicine, but even I knew that was stupid. I never took it. When would he have admitted defeat? Five weeks go by, and he keeps throwing stuff at me to see what sticks? I don't think so. I need to find a new doctor before this guy kills me.
Posted at 9:48 AM
Comments...
Permalink
......
Monday, April 25, 2005
·Prayers·
I know this is a little selfish of me, but if you believe in prayer, I'd like to ask for a few prayers to come my way. I'm hoping the doctor today has some good ideas of what to do. I'm pretty scared.
Posted at 11:36 AM
Comments...
Permalink
......
Saturday, April 23, 2005
·E.R.·
So after waking up feeling extremely crummy yesterday, I decided to call in late and said that I'd be in around noon. Unfortunately, as noon crept up, I knew there was no way this would happen. I woke up with a little bit of pain on my right side, but it was progressively getting worse, and I just couldn't get it out of my head. I called my doctor and was told to go to the E.R. immediately. So, I did. I got seen much quicker this time than last time. My parents zoomed up from Orlando as soon as I told them what was going on.
I was completely miserable. I gave the doc the entire history of my five week illness. I laid there in my pathetic little hospital gown and got X-Rays, a CT Scan, two shots, several IVs, and so many vials of blood that they couldn't take them all in one sitting (among other even less pleasant things I'm not going to bother mentioning).
Anyway, despite all the incessant poking and torture I had to go through last night, it was an incredible, life-changing moment for me. As I laid there in the bed with all of these terrible things hooked up to me, I looked around the room and saw three loving faces, all looking at me with a smile with a sign just behind them that clearly said no more than two visitors would be allowed. It was almost like one of those sappy moments in a movie that has some song swelling up in the background as the main character looks around at all the people in her life. There I was, feeling pathetic, miserable, and helpless, and I looked up at my husband who was standing at my feet as he played with my toes. I looked to my side and my parents, smiling at me after sitting for hours in those tiny, uncomfortable chairs. It seemed almost overwhelming.
The most overwheling part of all, though, was as my mom helped me make my way to the bathroom, I passed all of these other rooms. The vast majority of them had only the patient inside. I passed by an elderly black man receiving a whole bag of blood, and he had nothing to do except watch us walk by. I shuffled by a skinny, elderly, white-haired woman who was just moaning in pain with no one to hear her. And there I was, a married, home-owning, working woman with my mother helping me pull down my panties because I was too dizzy to do it myself. And what of these other people? Who is there for them? Who is there to make goofy faces at them as they get a burning injection deep into their already sore thighs? Who is there to rub their shoulders as the doctor mentions such scary possibilities to them? Who is there to tell them a joke when the pain is building? Who looks at them and smiles when they feel so scared? God, it seems amazing to me. It seems amazing to me that my room was filled beyond capacity, while others were there by themselves. Hours and hours alone with nothing but their own thoughts and pains. Nothing to look at but the ceiling or the people walking by. What did I do to deserve all of this? When I got home, I had a message from my friend Kim who didn't know I was in the hospital, but was offering to bring me back a slice of my favorite cheesecake to cheer me up, and yet, there was a woman who collapsed in the waiting room all alone. When the doctors rushed out and asked if anyone was with her, no one answered. How does this happen?
So much of me feels heartbroken for all of these people. Tears have been coming easily to me lately, and most of them in the past 24 hours has been for them. And yet, there is a part of me that remembers the whole cliche of being thankful for what you have. And God is it true. I have fallen dangerously close to feeling like a victim with all of this going on. I found myself crying last night, "Why me? Why me?" last night in the midst of the worst of it. But after all of that, God, I am so lucky. I am so blessed. I have the most loving husband, parents, brother, and friends I could ever ask for. I am blessed beyond belief. I've always known this, but I saw it so clearly last night. Whatever happens, I am not alone. No matter how scary things get, there will be someone there to hold me hand. It's amazing.
I'm in Orlando now. Sitting at this computer is probably the most strenuous thing I've done all day! I can't even walk right. I'm going to the infectious disease specialist on Monday, which the E.R. doctor really encouraged. From there, hopefully things will go better.
Posted at 8:33 PM
Comments...
Permalink
......
Thursday, April 21, 2005
·Red Tape·
Nevermind. Looks like I will be in tomorrow. Well, depending on how I feel. My appointment isn't until Monday.
In the meantime, I have been back and forth with my primary doctor here trying to get the referral. They keep asking me why I want this referral. Umm...because for the past five weeks, I have been going to your clinic with high fevers and after three antibiotics, you are still shrugging your shoulders. Also, the infectious disease specialist you referred me to has four hours of outpatient time per week. This means that they couldn't see me until June. If I have had fever for five weeks, I have no reason to believe I won't have it still in another five, and I'd rather save myself the agony. I have a doctor who is willing to see me MONDAY, a doctor my parents trust and is covered under my health insurance. What about this don't you get?? I know you don't have to give me the referral, but I don't see what is unreasonable about not wanting to wait over a month to be seen. It's either this, or I'll be part of the problem and clog up your hospital along with all of the other patients no one feels like seeing.
Posted at 4:13 PM
Comments...
Permalink
......
·No Sympathy·
One of the faculty members here just came to my desk to tell me about how fried she is and how exhausted she is. She told me she decided to take tomorrow off to sleep in and get some gardening done. As she's telling me this, I have sweat soaking into my collar from this fever. I felt like telling her, "I'll be talking tomorrow off because I may need to go to the hospital for this disease that has left a three doctors so far baffled. Have fun on your day off."
Posted at 1:30 PM
Comments...
Permalink
......
·Misery·
So I'm going over to Orlando tonight to try to be squeezed in by an infectious disease specialist there tomorrow. If not, I'm checking myself into the hospital. I feel so damn miserable it's ridiculous. I'm not just a little sick. I don't just feel under the weather. I feel catastrophically ill. I'm actually a work right now, just because I've missed most of this week and am likely to miss more ON TOP OF my week and a half long vacation I leave for in just over a week...if I'm well enough to go. I'm an achy, shivery mess. Even with the enormous load of fever reducers I've been taking non-stop, I can't get my fever under 100. Can't at all.
Posted at 12:16 PM
Comments...
Permalink
......
Tuesday, April 19, 2005
·Deja Vu·
Home sick today again. Just when I was feeling better about everything, here we go again. I'm going to be seeing an infectious disease specialist now. That sounds so intimidating.
Posted at 10:28 AM
Comments...
Permalink
......
Monday, April 18, 2005
·Stupid Doctor·
I had some blood work done a while ago, like two weeks ago. I still haven't heard anything about the results. Since I'm feeling so crappy right now, I decided to call this morning and see what was up. They still haven't called me back. Umm, last I heard, there were some potential scary things they could reveal. Either it didn't show anything, or no one has looked at the results. I have a feeling it's that no one has looked, because I've been anemic since high school. I usually get at minimum a note in the mail telling me I am anemic. I've never just heard nothing.
Uhh. So here I am with a fever, wondering what the hell is wrong with me.
Posted at 3:26 PM
Comments...
Permalink
......
·The Weekend·
I feel sick again. I'm not kidding. I'm going to choose to ignore it for right now, though. Maybe it'll go away. Please go away. This does not signal good things. I'm trying not to freak out for now.
My weekend was very nice, fortunately. We went out Friday night with Dan and Amy to Satchels, a really cool pizza place on the other side of town, and then to a bar.
Saturday, Andrew and I ran some errands and then went over to Kim and Brent's, who had invited us to dinner. I decided to make a carrot cake from scratch. FROM SCRATCH, PEOPLE! And you know what? It was SOOO GOOD!! WOW!! I can't explain how good it was. Honestly, I couldn't help but feel so damn proud of myself. Everyone ended up going back for seconds. I'm DEFINITELY going to have to use that recipe again next time I want to show off to someone.
The weather was so nice this whole weekend that we decided to get a group together and go out to watch the Gators baseball game vs. Alabama. It was tons of fun. When we were up 6 to 3 at the end of the 8th inning, everyone else decided to leave, but Andrew and I stuck around for the end...Alabama ended up scoring SIX RUNS in the 9th inning!! We answered with three strikeouts. :( Alas. It was still a fun time, though, and it was great being out in the breeze and sun. After that, I went to Pilates with Kim, and this time Laura came along to try it out too. I'm pretty proud of how well I do in this. I was able to do 20-minutes of StairMaster followed by a full hour of Pilates, and I did each and every exercise. It's amazing how after all that, I feel so energized, so I took Lucky on a run when I got home.
If only all of that made me healthier... :(
Posted at 8:28 AM
Comments...
Permalink
......
Friday, April 15, 2005
·New Pics·
Posted at 9:36 AM
Comments...
Permalink
......
·Peace·
I'm feeling better today. I am blessed to have such an amazing husband. Things are going to be fine.
Today, it's actually a bit cool outside. The high is just barely going to break 70 today. There's not a cloud in the sky, and there is a great breeze. This is the final hurrah before the summer sets in. It's lovely. November through April, there is no better place to live!
Posted at 9:04 AM
Comments...
Permalink
......
Thursday, April 14, 2005
·At a Loss·
My doctor's appointment went as I had feared. It has been a very emotional morning for me. I'm at a loss of what to tell anyone about it. Everyone knows something is wrong, but I just don't know how to talk about it yet.
Posted at 11:32 AM
Comments...
Permalink
......
Wednesday, April 13, 2005
·Tomorrow, Tomorrow·
Tomorrow is gonna be a big day. I'm freaking out about it a little. Last night I kept waking up with these weird, sharp pains. I guess I'll know a little bit better what's going on soon.
My parents are flying down to Venezuela this weekend. My grandmother's health is a bit shaky right now, and my mom is panicked about leaving for Italy in two weeks and not going to see her before in case anything happens. Hopefully everything will be ok.
Posted at 9:49 AM
Comments...
Permalink
......
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
·Antibiotic Antics·
I can't even remember when it was that I got Strep Throat, but ever since then, around mid-March sometime, I've been on antibiotics except for three days. The antibiotics are absolutely wearing me out. I have until Saturday on these two I have right now. Then, I'm going to have to be put on another one for another week. It'll be well over a month that I'll have been on antibiotics when all is said and done. I'm so sick of this! I can't even sleep right.
I finally finished up the student film last night. They promised to get me a copy like everyone else has, but I'll believe it when I see it!
Tonight is my last bit of responsibility toward someone else that I can remember. One of the girls in Andrew's program needs a miniature acting lesson for a research experiment she's doing. Interesting. Hopefully I can help. After that, that's it. I'll be focusing on my own stuff. I need to learn to turn things down. I'm just really glad I didn't get cast in the play I auditioned for, because I don't think I could handle it right now!
Posted at 8:52 AM
Comments...
Permalink
......
Monday, April 11, 2005
·She Talks to Angels·
I've discovered that I may like the Black Crowes. I've been listening to Launchcast lately, which gives you a combination of music between what you say you like and things you haven't mentioned but may be similar. So far, I've gotten three Black Crowes songs, and all three of them made me jump up and take notice. I'm going to have to listen to more of their stuff! I don't think I was ever aware of them before. Pretty cool.
I FINALLY bought the David Gray DVD yesterday and already watched the entire concert. I adore David Gray! I wish he would come out with another album so he can tour to the US again!
Posted at 1:44 PM
Comments...
Permalink
......
·Everybody's Working for the Weekend·
We had a very nice time in Orlando this weekend for my mom's birthday. I really haven't seen my family very much since the new year, so it was nice to spend all this time with them. They love me so much it makes me feel almost guilty. If I had more free time, I'd want to see them a lot more often. As it is, though, I need to divide my weekends between them, housework, my friends, and marriage time. It is sick the most important things have to be squeezed into two days in a week, while everything else I could care less about takes over all my other time. It has to change.
We had serious dicussions, of course. My dad also used the word "crossroads," so it's true I need to do something. I wish it was merely a fork in the road, this way or that way. So complicated it seems ridiculous. We developed a tentative, multi-pronged plan of attack, which may or may not have to be revised after Thursday. In any case, I have a renewed sense of urgency for my business. I let it fall by the wayside with all my illnesses, but it really needs to be picked up again. I had the goal of going live when we got back from the trip, but that's probably not going to happen since I only have two weeks to work things out. So, I definitely have to get things done. Tonight is my last night of the film shoot. Starting tomorrow night, I'll be working on the business every night. Have to.
Posted at 8:52 AM
Comments...
Permalink
......
Friday, April 08, 2005
·See You at the Crossroads·
We're heading down to Orlando after work today to spend the weekend with my family since my Mom's birthday was yesterday. I finally went out yesterday and bought her some "Muscle Soak" lotion, massage oil, and shower gel. I bought it at the Spa I've been to to get my facials, and it's pretty nice stuff. I hope she appreciates it, though. It's so hard to get it right with her. Hopefully we'll have a nice weekend.
There have been a lot of serious conversations in my life lately. Most of them have been brought on by me, but it still feels overwhelming at times. Everyone around me seems so sure about what this crossroads means, and I feel so lost. I wish I could put the rest of my life on hold while I figure this out. I found myself last night envying Andrew's sense of peace about everything. I was nearly begging him to express some doubts to me. I actually used the word "lonely" when describing how I felt, not because he hasn't been there for me, but because I feel alone in feeling the way I do. Still, he never waivered. He said that he believed in us, and he believed in me. It's a beautiful thing to say, but the most beautiful part was that honestly he meant it.
Posted at 10:09 AM
Comments...
Permalink
......
Thursday, April 07, 2005
Just got back from such a boring meeting! I don't think I can think right now.
Today is the last day I have to shoot that student film. It's supposed to rain torrents this afternoon, though. I'm wondering if the shoot will still be on or not. I'm so lazy. I don't feel like doing it. I just want to sit at home and wallow.
Today is my mom's birthday. I still don't have a present for her. I swear, she is the most difficult person in the world to buy for. If she doesn't own it, it's because she doesn't like it. What do you get someone like that? Some people have suggested gift certificates for a massage, but she already has her own masseuse she sees all of the time. Anything someone suggests, I've thought of. Trust me. I'm just going to have to get her some Gator t-shirt and some lotion or something.
Posted at 11:48 AM
Comments...
Permalink
......
Wednesday, April 06, 2005
·I'm a Loser, Baby·
I'm listening to Beck's Loser on Launchcast right now. I remember when I was so proud of myself for knowing all of the words to this song when it came out. I'm looking at the date it was released. 1994. That was over a decade ago. Weird!
Speaking of losers, I forgot to tell a very embarrassing story from Monday night's audition. Right after we were set free after we were done, I pretty much bolted to the parking lot because I felt so crappy and wanted to get home. When I was almost to my car, I hear someone calling my name behind me. I turn around, and it's a guy on the board who I'm pretty friendly with. We've hung out at parties, etc. We hadn't seen each other in a while. Well, pretty much since the last show I did a year ago. Well, I want to express to him that I'm excited to see him, but at the same time, I feel so crappy, so it came out like this weird, scattered, crazy hyperness. He tells me I look good (you know, typical thing you tell someone you haven't seen in a while), and my response, "Oh I'm so glad to hear that." Umm, did I just hear myself say that out loud? So then I go into this whole explanation of "Oh, it's just that I've been sick for so long, and I'm not feeling well tonight either, I almost didn't come...blah, blah, blah, blah, blah." I'm telling myself to wrap it up in my head because it's stupid, and so I decide that I would conclude my babble with, "So that's why it's nice to hear I look good." Oh COME ON! Fuck me. Ugh. Forget it. I couldn't launch into another whole explanation to justify that. I wish I could turn my internal monologue up on speaker phone sometimes so people can understand that I'm just a big, awkward dork and mean nothing by half the things I say. Ugh. Whatever. The rest of the conversation was also pretty stupid, mostly because I was still thinking of what a stupid thing I just said. When I walked away, I realized that I asked him nothing about what he was up to. Ugh. I'm such an idiot sometimes.
Posted at 3:50 PM
Comments...
Permalink
......
·Nothing Ever Happens on Mars·
My blog has been boring lately. I've been sick, but at the same time, so much is going on. It's like if thirty people try to walk through the same door at the same time, no one gets through.
Posted at 12:39 PM
Comments...
Permalink
......
·Bleh, continued·
So hard to get up this morning at the time I'm supposed to. I woke up a little before 5:30am and could fall back asleep until...right around the time the alarm sounded at 6:30. Then...I fell right back alseep for half an hour so that I had to rush to get ready. Stupid.
At this point, I'm mostly over my illness, but the antibiotics I'm on are so harsh that they are the ones making me feel sick now. My stomach is all out of whack and I feel dizzy and tired, all side effects. Will I ever feel normal again?
Posted at 9:06 AM
Comments...
Permalink
......
Tuesday, April 05, 2005
·Cold Readings...really cold.·
I hate getting blood drawn! Bleh! I survived, though.
Yesterday, I went to work for a grand total of two hours at the end of the day because I got tipped off that my boss would "appreciate it." Well, I came in and pretty well proved my point that I'm not BSing this thing as a way to stay home. I barely survived. I came home to my now normal routine of wallowing on the couch when suddenly, at 6:35pm, my husband goes, "Wait! Didn't you have an audition today at 7??" ARGH! Yes, I did. I threw my hands in the air and declared that there was no way I could possibly do it. Andrew pushed me because he didn't want me to regret it later. So I went.
Predictably, it was the worst audition I've given in a very long while. (The worst audition prize still goes to the time about seven years ago when I read this character as white trash when in fact she was supposed to be a wealthy British girl. I felt like the world's biggest moron!) I didn't do anythign wrong at all. It was just uninspired. I just stood there and read in my e-nun-ci-a-ting act-ing voice. Still, I was proud that I got myself out there and went. For the first time ever, though, I didn't care if I got cast or not. It was the audition experience. We were told that we'd get a call sometime last night if we were cast, and I wasn't even thinking about waiting for a phone to ring until Andrew brought it up later in the night. It's fine. It was hard to get up there and read with energy, but I did it. The only bad part really was that maybe the director has a worse impression of me, along with other board members who were present. Eh. They've seen me perform shows before, so hopefully that's not the case.
The NCAA Championship game last night was exciting. The bracket that Andrew was so excited to win was actually won by his brother instead, which is a good consolation prize. $50. Andrew came in a respectable third.
Posted at 11:30 AM
Comments...
Permalink
......
Sunday, April 03, 2005
·The Times, They Are A'Changin'·
I know it's rude to bring up something and then not talk about what it is, but I'm not really ready to talk about it, and I'm going to go ahead and pull the It's-My-Blog-So-There Card.
...
I went to the doctor's office early on Friday morning. I had a fever and some other stuff, so they ran some lab tests on me. The preliminary results showed some interesting things, so they sent the samples away to be further tested. The official results will be available tomorrow, Monday. However, later in the afternoon, some symptoms became more exaggerated, and it quickly became clear that what I had was not good. Andrew took me to the emergency room at 5pm. When we arrived, there were only two other patients in the waiting room waiting to be seen, so I figured it shouldn't be too long. Eventually, more and more people arrived so that the emergency room was packed. Still, I figured, I had gotten there first. While others had some stuff that obviously needed to be tended to first, like a chef who sliced his hand open.
Well, hours went by. The ibuprofen that I had taken just before arriving to reduce my fever to a mere 100.5 was obviously wearing off. I began to shake and shiver and got so delirious from the pain I was actually whimpering beyond my control. They sent someone out with a thermometer, and the first reading was 97.7. Umm....NO!! I insisted that the thermometer was wrong. She tried it again, and this time it read 100.3. Umm, yes, that's a fever, but I felt so miserable that I KNEW there was no way it was that low. After whining to Andrew for a while about it, I finally decided to beg the guy running triage to give me some Tylenol or something, because I felt like I would pass out from the fever alone. His response, "Your temperature isn't considered a fever by our standards." EXCUSE ME?? I'm sorry, I know his job sucks because so many people were complaining to him, but I was not going to take no for an answer. I made a huge stink about how that thermometer was broken and making some crazy readings and that I needed to have it taken again by something better. He rolled his eyes and said fine. Lo and behold, I measured in at 102.4. "I assume that would make it official," I said. He agreed and went to give me Tylenol. I asked him if there was such thing as a time estimate in this place, and he said, "Not unless you're dying." Great.
I sat back down for a few more hours. I was feeling delirious. Finally, 11pm was rolling around. Yes, that would make it SIX HOURS. The guy who had come in somewhere around the middle of our time there with the sliced hand STILL hadn't been seen, even though his hand was wrapped tightly in bloody gauze. He kept going up to complain because he was very concerned since he had cut through ligaments and everything. I was losing it quickly. I returned to the guy at triage and asked if he could please, please, please give me an idea. He said he could not. I asked if there was some list that I was on, and where I was in that. He said that there were three people ahead of me for the list. That doesn't sound terrible.......except for the fact that when we had arrived SIX HOURS EARLIER there were only TWO people ahead of me!! After all that waiting, I had only moved backwards!! I started crying. I couldn't help it. "I'm sorry, we see patients in the order they need to be attended, not in the order they arrived." I get that. I do. But holy crap, I could not stand the pain and the fever. All I wanted at that point was a bed. I went back to the waiting room and began sobbing my eyes out. At that point, we decided to leave. It was all for nothing. I paged my doctor and explained my whole sob story, and while she said she didn't feel comfortable prescribing over the phone, she went ahead and called in some prescriptions to a 24-hour pharmacy.
...
This post has been edited for unnecessarily dramatics. I'm just leaving in my over-dramatic account of my emergency room visit.
Posted at 6:33 PM
Comments...
Permalink
......
Friday, April 01, 2005
·Fuck·
Posted at 2:28 PM
Comments...
Permalink
......
·The Hits Keep Coming·
My fever was 102 this morning in the doctor's office. My diagnosis is still to be determined. My lab samples came back with some trace amounts of various things, so they're sending it away for more thorough analysis. Doesn't that make me feel great?
Posted at 11:05 AM
Comments...
Permalink
......
